Wednesday 11 July 2012

Rally - Adventures of Morris Bear

Morris having a coffee break.

Right. If any of you out there are on Facebook, you have to look at this. Morris Bear will be competing on the ‘La Crofterra Pandemonia’ motoring extravaganza on the 1st and 2nd of September.

Organised by Highland Car club this 450 mile event will lead crews through some of the most spectacular scenery that the north west of Scotland has to offer, not to mention some of the most unpredictable weather, while fending off the fiercest midgies in the world and Highland coos which like to stand in the middle of the road – usually around blind corners.

The only trouble with Morris is that he’s too young to drive so he has had to enlist the help (?) of Big Brian and Big Jim. Their chosen velocipede for this marathon tour is a fully restored 1971 MGB.

There is another problem. The car was built for two, not three. And there is an even bigger problem. Fitting Big Brian and Big Jim into a two seater with bucket seats that would cramp Posh Beck’s bum bones will be damn near impossible for these two. Forget squeezing toothpaste back into a tube, this is going to look like two overstuffed armchairs sharing a bicycle saddle.

A trial fitting has already left Big Jim with a dent in his forehead after headbutting the top of the windscreen while Brian’s belly against the steering wheel stops him reaching the windscreen.

That means that Morris is going to have to sit between and behind the two square-sausage disposal units in the front while trying to navigate the MGB around the route. Fortunately, it is not a ‘competitive’ event as such, the target is just to finish with as few mechanical breakdowns as possible. And considering the mechanical dexterity and engineering expertise of the aforementioned two-man crew this achievement will rank higher than Mel Gibson’s ‘ authentic Scottish accent winning an Oscar for his portrayal of a certain William Wallace.

Morris is also having to work on a system of navigational directions to help. With Brian and Jim’s inability to distinguish Left from Right, he will use ‘Your way’ and ‘My Way’ calls, with a back-up system comprising a slap on the driver’s head to go right and a slap on the passenger’s to go left.

The whole point of this bearfaced adventure is to raise money for cancer charities, and those who sign up to Morris Bear’s Facebook page will get the opportunity to sponsor his trip.

In the run up to this momentous occasion, Morris is preparing himself by getting driving tips from rally stars and navigating help from top co-drivers. Unfortunately he has fallen in with a thoroughly disreputable crowd and is getting a reputation for frequenting curry houses and pubs – and you can all follow Morris Bear’s adventures by befriending him on Facebook at:

So who is Morris Bear? In actual fact, he is the ‘black sheep’ of the porridge loving 3 Bears family whom they turfed out of their cottage many years ago because he was too big for the chairs and moaned about the beds. He then fled north to a more welcoming and hospitable domain where he was adopted by Coltness Car Club – whose members are known throughout  Scottish motor sport as ‘The Bears’.

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