Rally Jaggy saves Christmas

It would appear that Christmas deliveries are under threat. Apparently no government anywhere in the world has a record of issuing a Pilot’s Licence to a chap called St Nicholas, aka, Santa Claus.

The matter was a raised at the most recent United Nations meeting in September when one of the arriving VIP’s (Very Important Politician) private aircraft was apparently ‘buzzed’ by a low flying sleigh and six reindeer on a shakedown down test flight and MoT (Ministry of Trotters) inspection ahead of December 24th/25th.

This ‘near-miss’ (a phrase soon to be outlawed by the politically correct brigade whenever they manage to come up with a suitable replacement for the word ‘miss’) so upset the visiting dignitary that he lodged a complaint with Air Traffic Control, who claimed to have no knowledge of this flight or future flights.

The topic then assumed more earnest and serious discussion. How environmentally friendly is this form of flight? What do reindeer eat and do they fart more than cattle? Will the reindeer hooves create sparks in the ether laden atmosphere and cause a conflagration? Is Santa’s sack fastened to the sleigh securely enough to meet international cargo safety standards? Will loose presents fall out and clout pedestrians passing by down below? Will the ‘sky-highway’ cops be able to check its kerb weight and laden capacity? Does it have an internationally recognised weighbridge ticket of confirmation? To what lighting standards does the sleigh conform? Does Santa wear a seat belt and does he and his reindeer meet international Elf & Safety legislation.

All this and more was discussed feverishly as the delegates sought to impose some sort of control over this swashbuckling individual and his annual night-time endeavour. They simply couldn’t permit a projectile flying through the sky with an untrained, unqualified pilot at the reins. Could they?

So a letter was composed and sent to Santa’s cabin in Lapland urging the great man to register his flight plan, have his conveyance checked and approved, and himself licenced to pilot a flying commercial aircraft. Only then a could the necessary licences and approvals be issued.

The United Nations even had a system in mind for the issuing of such a licence. As experts in such a process, they approached the Motorsport UK organisation for permission to use their official ‘speedy on-line’ licencing system.

And all at once the great plan foundered when the umpteen page documentation was revealed. The system was already overburdened with clubs and individuals trying to renew licences and/or upgrade while coping with new folk trying to obtain their first licence. So overwhelmed was the system that it was overheating to such an extent that staff in MSUK HQ were wandering about the corridors of power in their underwear.

However, Jaggy to the rescue. The big chap drove down to Bicester in dead of night, scaled the rone pipe, slipped through the attic window, tiptoed down to the documentation room, retrieved the Santa application form from the overwhelmed machinery, dripped some Castrol R into the cogs, sidestepped the official protocols, got the Sanity Clause licence signed by someone wearing a blazer and still suffering the after-effects of the office party, and was off back down the drainpipe quicker than an AC Cobra hitting 60 from rest.

On his return back to the frozen north, the big chap sought out the only Scrutineer qualified for such a task, Willie Greig, to sign the SS (Santa Sleigh) Logbook cos he’s the only one old enough to know what a sleigh is, and couldn’t make out what the picture was anyway, and Santa mistook him for one of his elves! Job done.

Then it was simply a dash further north to hand the precious licence in person to a relieved Santa, so it would appear that Christmas has been saved for 2024. Santa and the reindeer will be fleein’ high next week - legally. Now sleep easy weans of the world.

So Merry Christmas everyone and a Guid New Year tae yin an a’ – and most especially for all the bairns and teens!

Frae yer auld pal Jaggy B and his new pal Santa Claws – and by the way, who has now been made an honorary member of The Coltness Bears!